I've been nominated!
Finally! my lack of expertise, sexual misdeeds and moral flexibility pay off!
WOW!! Someone important finally recognized my peerless qualifications. Yes! Believe it or not, the president-elect has just picked little old ME for not one, but TWO high-level positions in his new administration. And in such fine company!
Secretary of Infrastructure! My experience is broad: I have traveled across the Golden Gate Bridge, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, and the Brooklyn Bridge, to name just a few bridges I’ve crossed, including the one over troubled waters. I’ve driven I-90, SR-14, I-405, and I-5 at rush hour (which gets me extra points, I believe). I have flown in airplanes from Portland to Los Angeles, from JFK to Chicago, from SFO to Paris and back. I’ve taken trains, too! Amtrak from Westport, CT into Grand Central Station, and Portland to Seattle. I’ve even been on a ferry or two. You could say I’ve been around. My qualifications speak for themselves.
In the spirit of deregulation, which my future boss promotes, I plan to do away with troublesome traffic lights and stop signs. They’re impediments to speed. And who needs airport traffic controllers anyway. Cut them out and millions of dollars saved! We don’t need bridge inspectors either—if a bridge wants to fall, so be it. If you’ve got other cost-cutting ideas, just send ‘em my way, preferably with a $100,000 check.
Secretary of Internal Operations! This job requires a certain amount of surgical experience. Although I didn’t perform the operations myself, I have taken two family members to the hospital for appendectomies. I nursed my ex-husband after his hip replacement and and listened to him complain as I forced him to walk him up and down the hospital halls. (More extra points for this, don’t you think?) I’m told I’ll be doing some brain surgery in this job, which should be no big deal. I took a semester of anatomy in college, and I am handy with drills and sharp knives. I also have a brain of my own, which works most of the time, and when it doesn’t I just pour myself another cup of coffee. Done.
True confession—I didn’t really expect this particular nomination, so the only cost-saving measure I’ve come up with for Internal Operations is to do away with medical certifications. Just busy work, if you ask me. If I can do this work, so can you.
Sometimes I ask myself how it happened that he noticed me, because I’ve only appeared on three TV talk shows — once in 1979 and twice in 1983. Maybe I just bought my way into his heart when I got myself a pair of his gold sneakers, his MAGA made-in-china Bible, and an NFT of Melania’s derriere. Who knows? (‘m just grateful to be appreciated for my extraordinary skillz.
About my salary: I haven’t yet heard if I get twice the pay for holding down two jobs at the same time, or if his new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) plans to combine the positions to save money. TBD. I’ll keep you posted.
Should I worry about the confirmation hearings? The president-elect may be able to convince the Senate to do this all in recess (he’s so clever!!). But if not, I expect to sail through, because I’m in the mix with many other “experts” of high moral flexibility and sexually compromised backgrounds. Besides, I’ve sent every Senator a special package, designed to sweeten their impressions of me: a chocolate fudge cupcake baked by me from my granny’s original recipe, an ounce of Oregon’s finest weed, and a $25 Target gift card. That should do it.
Three links that made me happy this week:
A Maori member of the New Zealand parliament rips up a bill that would reduce their rights and the haka begins. So powerful!!! I wish the Dems would come up with something like this.
The Bygones (Josh Turner and Allison Young) sing one of their own songs. They were here in Portland last weekend—such a treat; so much talent. Lots more on their YouTube channel.
Yoga with Dog. Amazing!
PUT YOURSELF IN THE WAY OF BEAUTY
Autumnal centerpiece I assembled this week to cheer me up.
ZING.
Wow, so happy you are nominated. I was really feeling depressed but now I know I have nothing to worry about. LOL